conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
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I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Well, shit
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”