[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
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Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.