The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
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My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Breaking news:
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime