When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
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One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong