Stop making fast and furious movies.
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a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together