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If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
how to have fun when you’re poor
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
bears
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.