Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
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everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”