Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
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[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*