My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Had an epiphany today.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have