Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
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8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”