I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
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My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food