I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
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Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
This will never not be funny 😭
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.