Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
You Might Also Like
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage