i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
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[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.