9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
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Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
6: are snakes just neck?
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.