People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
You Might Also Like
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Well well well…
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Doggies just call it style.