This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
You Might Also Like
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
584.