It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
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When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I’m not lazy
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks