Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
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If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”