I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
You Might Also Like
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.