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My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.