I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
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Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Found the job I’m suited for
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.