I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
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Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.