are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
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Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Room with a view.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay