My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
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My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.