Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
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Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Look at this
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit