Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
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The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn