teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
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My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!