Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
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Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Living the best life.. 😊
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Incredible customer service.