JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
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mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
another case of gang violins
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.