The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
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One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Yes, this is exactly right
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.