Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
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*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?