Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
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My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
<—- homeless romantic
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
😎 🍻
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you