Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”