mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
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I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
boat question
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?