I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
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I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.