Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
You Might Also Like
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY