a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
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my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Venn
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.