A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
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Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Don’t snitch tag.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I came this close!!!!
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”