My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
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[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Gemma Correll
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them