8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
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I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
That 👊
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!