I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
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Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.