Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
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The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Life is a suicide mission.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.