if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
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Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”