yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
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Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it