wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
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If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”