A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
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Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes