“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
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Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Room with a view.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*