I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
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How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Personal question. #JustSaying
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.