“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
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A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Just a friendly reminder!
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.